Grow My Life – Motivational Life Coaching & Counseling

Self-talk is defined as the inner thoughts that occur in given situations that help formulate our decisions.  Sometimes our self-talk can lead us to trouble that is unnecessary.  We may not even understand that our self-talk is “getting the better of us”, but it shows itself in true form, stress. If we can manage our self-talk, we can manage our stress; and in turn we can take control of our lives and be more successful.

Here is an example of the control self-talk can have on our lives:

The most sought after advice or counseling is related to relationships.  People worried that their significant other is unfaithful, that they are ignoring them, or that they themselves are not good enough for the person they are with.  Let’s follow the route of self-talk as it formulates and ends with self-damaging effects.

Chris and Aaron went on a date to a restaurant.  Both found one another attractive, funny, down-to-earth, charming, and good company.  Chris called Aaron the following afternoon to say that the time had was “fantastic, and that they should do it again soon.”  Aaron doesn’t call or text Chris back for the entirety of the day.  Chris gets home from work and thinks “its okay, they are probably busy, maybe they didn’t get the message, we’ll see if they call tomorrow; gosh what a great time we had!”

The following day, Chris has a difficult time with a task at work.  Checking the voicemail every so often, there still is no word from Aaron.  Chris decides to tell a co-worker at lunch about Aaron.  Chris goes on and on about the wonderful evening, giving details about the conversations had and the overall impressions.  Chris explains to the co-worker that they left a message yesterday and has not heard from Aaron.  The co-worker at first tells Chris that “They are probably just busy.”  Chris then rebuttals, “Well I am busy too, but I still had time to pick up the phone and call.”  The co-worker responds, “You’re right, maybe they aren’t worth it.”

Chris goes back to work and begins thinking about the last thing the co-worker said; “maybe Aaron isn’t worth it.”  Chris spends the remainder of the day with tasks at work.  On the way home, traffic is terrible and Chris is filled with anger.  Chris starts thinking, “why hasn’t Aaron called, I thought they really liked me, I thought I was smart and funny, but maybe Aaron isn’t worth it; oh but Aaron is, I know Aaron is, but maybe not, or maybe its something I did, maybe there’s something wrong with me?” Chris arrives at home and watches some TV.  The entire night of TV is comprised of a little laughter and then Chris’s self-talk, “I should call Aaron, why not?  I mean, maybe Aaron didn’t get the message, maybe I dialed the wrong number, maybe something happened?  No I really shouldn’t, Aaron will call me.”

By the end of the next work day, Chris is fuming about the fact that Aaron has not called yet.  Chris decides to “write off” Aaron, deleting the phone number from the cellular phone, and thinking, “just ridiculous, I am better than that, Aaron shouldn’t have treated me like that, I thought this might work.  There must be something wrong with me.” When Chris finally receives a call from Aaron, or attempts to go on another date, Chris will ultimately still have recollections of this process, and continue to think damaging thoughts.

Self-talk can be so damaging to our confidence and self-esteem, that we can fall into depression, garner mood swings, and lead to suicide attempts.  Suicidal thoughts occur when the over-bearing self-talk becomes so negative, that there is no positive talk occurring.  Self-talk that is negative can also cause increased anxiety and stress; and can lead to stress induced complications.  Examples of stress induced complications include; weight gain, heartburn, stress headaches or migraines, ulcers, illness, and increased blood pressure.

So how can we harness our self-talk positively and be successful?  It starts with a new attitude.  Everything in life always has two sides.  Some may be the lesser of two evils, but there are two options.  Similarly in Ireland, many have said, “It could be better, could be worse.”  Changing our attitude begins with finding the lesser of the two evils or seeing the positive in each situation.  Take Chris and Aaron for example.  Chris could have used the time worrying about whether Aaron would call, to complete additional work.  Chris could have had a constructive conversation with the co-worker that could have led to a sales lead or networking opportunity.  Chris could have gone home and enjoyed a night alone and watched a great TV series.  Chris could have remembered that life is very busy, can get away from us, and that Chris is worth Aaron’s call back.

Secondly, self-awareness about the negative self-talk in our thoughts, can help maneuver it out of our way.  When a thought occurs that is negative, write it down on a piece of paper.  Next to or below the thought, write a positive thought 3 times.  Repeat the positive thought 3 times, and explore why it is you would think negatively about yourself, and promise that you are going to tell yourself the positive thought next time.

Lastly, realize your own potential.  If Chris had higher self-esteem, the negative self-talk may not have occurred.  If Chris truly thought that the date went well, Chris would not have any doubt that Aaron would call.  Chris would also know that if Aaron didn’t call, there must have been something Aaron didn’t like, but that that is OK; because Chris really likes who they are inside.  Chris would continue to use the opportunity of the date, to grow in interpersonal skills and further enhance conversation for subsequent dates.

Remember that self-talk is difficult to harness.  Realize your potential, be self-aware of the negative thoughts, and find a positive attitude or side in everything.  You can learn to harness your thoughts and be successful.