There are many terms used in reference to the death of someone. They can die…we may lose them…they may pass…or they can depart; from this world to the next. Whichever best suits you, use it. After someone has departed, we often face the challenges of letting go and finding solace. It is within this context that it is important to understand that this process has stages. Developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, these stages are to help guide someone through the difficult task of grieving.
Stage of Shock – often includes emotional, social, or physical paralysis at hearing the news of the departing.
Stage of Denial – emotional response which triggers the belief that the departing never occurred.
Stage of Anger – emotional tantrums that can lead to lack of motivation, relationship strains, and changes in moods.
Stage of Bargaining – attempting to bring back the departed through requests; asking the question, “why them, not me?”
Stage of Depression – realization that the departed are not returning, often resulting in emotional cycles that can lead to lack of socialization.
Stage of Testing – finding realistic solutions of a life without the departed; attempting to find a new path.
Stage of Acceptance – finding a path and using the departing experience to grow.
What is interesting to note, is Kubler-Ross designed the stages as a cycle with completion. As humans we need to seek closure to un-wanted feelings, and these stages provide a beginning, middle, and end with closure. However, I would disagree with the recommendations to find closure and acceptance. I would also disagree with the cyclical design of the Stages of Grief.
Each of us has or will have someone special to us depart. It is within this departing that we can grow as individuals, and help ourselves grieve more effectively in the future. Each one of the stages above provides an example of emotional roller-coaster that can occur. But, I would argue that the stages are not limited to a timeline nor are they in succession with one another. Each stage can occur separately and can be re-experienced throughout the grief process. Additionally, it is important to recognize that grieving never ends. The memories that we share, the songs that we hear on the radio, the pictures we review; all are part of the grieving process. Closure is a process of eliminating the before and during feelings of any given situation. When we close ourselves up from emotions, we cause more harm than good. Remember the lessons you have learned from the person or emotions you experience; keeping them forever with you, to guide you on your journey through life.
Lastly, some stages of grief can overwhelm us. It is not shameful to seek out the condolences of others. It is not shameful or cowardice to seek out a mental health professional. It is important to discuss with someone the effects the grief is having on your emotional, social, and physical states. Everyone will have different advice in helping grieve; but remember that it is a personal process, and that you are not alone.
